YASSI! (Yet Another Stupid Self-Insert!)
by Kaiphantom
Summary: I take the plunge, as many authors do, into the Ranmaverse. Will I do any better? Will I survive? Will I hook up with a Ranmaverse girl? Or will I just end up with more female underwear than I know what to do with?


Find my other fics at: www.geocities.com/kaiphantom2000  
  
E-mail me at: oddball22@hotmail.com  
  
Well, every author gets into these sooner or later....  
  
[start]  
  
  
I can barely contain my excitement as I move another space forward in  
line to the tune of a female voice up ahead calling out, "Next!" I'm  
almost there! Just two more people!  
  
This almost reminds me of those rides at water parks, where one stands  
in line for awhile as they work themselves up higher and higher until  
they reach the water slide at the top.  
  
"Next!"  
  
I move up again. Just one more person! I briefly look around at the  
authors in front of, and behind me. As if they had a chance! Surely none  
of them could do better than I would!  
  
"Next!"  
  
This is it! I step though the door and into the office and see her at  
her desk, but she hardly gives me a once over before shoving several  
papers and a pen at me.  
  
"Sign all these please," she tells me in a bored, mono-tone voice.  
  
I blink as I take the pen, then hesitantly start signing my name on all  
the pages. "What are these for?"  
  
"Standard disclaimers, waivers of liability, etc. Basically, once I send  
you on your way, you're on your own. You understand the risks, and know  
that you have no one to blame for yourself."  
  
I finished signing, understanding most of it. I knew I would be just  
fine! "Ready!"  
  
A barely perceptible nod is my only reply, as she waves her hand and a  
portal appears. "Hop in."  
  
I nod, feeling more gleeful and nervous than ever, and jump! As I enter  
the votex, I hear the woman at the desk grumble, "When will all these  
stupid authors leave me alone so I can get back to Inuyasha..."  
  
Then I can hear no more, as reality distorts around me. I'm finally on  
my way!  
  
  
  
Ranma1/2  
YASSI! (Yet Another Stupid Self-Insert!)  
Part 1 - Heeeeeee'res Bradley!  
  
  
  
"Everyone, can I have your attention, please?" Soun called out  
as the family finished up breakfast.  
  
Ranma took a gulp of tea as he finished inhaling his meal, and  
Akane elbowed him for eating like a pig. Then she turned to listen,  
interested in what her father had to say, while Nabki looked mildly  
bored.  
  
"I have a letter here," he explained while holding up a sheet of  
paper, "that confirms we are going to have guest for a little while."  
  
"Oh great, just we need, yet another freeloader," Nabiki moaned.  
  
"Now Nabiki, is that any way to talk about a guest?" Kasumi  
admonished.  
  
Nabiki just rolled her eyes.  
  
"What's this guest like?" Akane asked.  
  
"I don't know, never met the boy," he replied, then chuckled.  
"But it says here he's an exchange student from the United States."  
  
"Oh no," Ranma groaned. "Not another Self-Insert Gaijin!"  
  
"Just think of it as training, boy!" Genma grunted at his son.  
Ranma punched his father out into the pond.  
  
Even Kasumi looked a little worried at this. "Are you sure this  
was a wise idea, father?"  
  
Soun nodded, then frowned. "Yes, and there will be none of that  
kind of talk while he's here."  
  
Kasumi blinked, then realized her error. "I'll try my best,  
fath- I mean, Otoson."  
  
"That's better," her father commended.  
  
"Well, that's just great!" Nabiki huffed, standing up. She was  
clearly not liking this, but knew she had no choice. "Not only is he a  
stupid, Self-Insert Gaijin, but he uses random Japanese words in his  
writing, too!"  
  
  
  
  
I emerge from the portal in front of a well recognized site:  
The Tendo Dojo. Long had I dreamed about this place, but now I was  
finally here! Hand shaking with much nervous excitement, I pushed open  
the outer gate, and traversed the short walkway to the door, then  
knocked and settled back to wait.  
  
I had read the manga many times and seen most of the anime, so  
I figured I knew exactly what to expect. In fact, I knew who would  
answer the door and prepared my response. I just hope I was in a manga-  
type universe, instead of the anime-type.  
  
The door opened, revealing the lovely Kasumi Tendo. "Hello!"  
  
"Greetings, Tendo-san," I reply with a bow. "My name is Bradley  
Angell, and I'm the exchange student from America that's stupposed to be  
staying with your family!" I smirk at my cleverness. I bet no one  
thought of using THAT angle before! "But you can call me, Brad!"  
  
"Oh, greetings, Baluddo-san!"  
  
I shook my head. "No, that's Brad," I corrected, emphasizing  
the `r'.  
  
"Of course, Baluddo-san!" Kasumi replied sweetly. "Won't you  
please come in?"  
  
I thought about trying to correct her again, but Kasumi was  
just too sweet and somehow I just didn't feel up to do doing it.  
Instead, I smiled and nodded, then slipped my shoes off in the foyer. I  
also set my pack down against the wall at Kasumi's direction.  
  
"Kasumi, who is it?" an older man called from somewhere in the  
house. I instantly knew that to be Soun.  
  
"It's our new guest, Otosan!" Kasumi called back, then turned to  
me. "Well, if you'll come with me, I'll introduce you to the family!"  
  
I nodded again, still smiling, very happy to be here. It was a  
short trip to the living room, and I finally was able to see the whole  
group in person. I bowed again to my new host family, while Kasumi  
introduced me.  
  
"This is Baluddo-san," she introduced me with her usual  
sunniness.  
  
"Um, actually that's `Angell Bradley'," I clarified. "But you  
can call me, Brad."  
  
"Welcome to our home, Baluddo-san," Soun greeted with a smile.  
"I'm Tendo Soun. You've alread met my eldest daughter, Kasumi. My other  
two daughters are Nabiki and Akane." He indicated the other two girls,  
but I, of course, already knew who they were. Nabiki was eyeing me  
speculatively.  
  
"Hello!" I returned, then corrected gently, "But, it's Brad,  
sir." Wouldn't do to upset my host family.  
  
Akane smiled at me, making her look very cute. I suddenly felt  
like I wanted to date her for some reason. "Hello, Baluddo-san!"  
  
I smiled back. "Pleased to meet you, Akane. But it's Brad."  
  
Ranma tried next. "Baluddo?"  
  
I shook my head, growing a little frustrated. "Brad."  
  
Nabiki smirked. "Welcome, Baluddo-san. If there's anything you  
need, just ask me!"  
  
"I'll keep that in mine," I replied, trying to suppress the  
frustrated growl building in my throat. Why couldn't these people get my  
name right!? In as patient voice as I could muster, I tried to explain.  
"It's Brad, not Baluddo. It is spelled B-R-A-"  
  
"BRA? You PERVERT!"  
  
*WHAM!*  
  
"Urk," I commented from the floor. It was a strange sensation. I  
was in pain, but I was still conscious, even though I now bore a  
striking resemblance to a pancake. The scary part was, even though she  
had just mashed me, I liked Akane a whole lot more because of it.  
  
Before I leave, I'm going to have to figure out where they get  
those mallets from, though.  
  
"Akane," Kasumi admonished. "That wasn't a very nice thing to  
do."  
  
The youngest Tendo looked embarrassed as she put the mallet  
away. "Gomen, Baluddo-san."  
  
My left eyebrow twitched.  
  
Ranma pulled me to my feet. "It's okay, Baluddo, she does that  
to me all the time. You'll get used to it."  
  
My right eyebrow felt left out and twitched as well  
  
"Yes, we'll try to make your stay more, Baluddo-san," Soun said  
solemnly.  
  
There was a whole lotta twitchin' goin' on, as I finally lost  
my temper. "IT'S NOT Baluddo! MY NAME IS BRA!" Whoops, that didn't come  
out right.  
  
Akane frowned and seemed to reaching for her mallet, but  
stopped at the happy sniffling sound.  
  
I blinked, because it wasn't coming from me, nor anyone else I  
could see. Then I looked down.  
  
Uh, oh.  
  
"Oh, what a beautiful name!" Happosai said with big, watery  
eyes. "I couldn't have done much better myself! I think I like you, boy!  
The name's Happosai, Grandmaster of the Anything-Goes school of Martial  
Arts."  
  
Not him! Anybody but him! "Uhhhh..." I said brilliantly.  
  
"You ain't master of anything, freak," Ranma called. "Ain't ya  
got a train to be in front of or something?"  
  
"You should learn to respect your elders, Ranma," The old man  
said in a threatening voice. "Especially when that elder is your master.  
I thought I taught you that by now."  
  
Ranma laughed. "Ha! You ain't my master, and you don't anything  
useful to teach."  
  
I smiled, as this was an all too-familiar scene, and I was  
witnessing it up close!  
  
The old man shook his pipe at Ranma, and for a minute, I  
thought he was going to attack or something. But then he smiled.  
"Nothing useful, eh? Why I bet that even a few days of training under  
me, an otherwise normal person could defeat you."  
  
Ranma snorted. "In your dreams, freak!"  
  
Happsai turned to me. "You do martial arts, Bra?"  
  
I shook my head, too stunned and somewhat afraid to correct my  
name. "No, I-"  
  
"Well, I guess you'll do just fine!" the old man said gleefully  
while rubbing his hands. "In four days, I guarantee you can beat Ranma.  
Is it a deal?"  
  
Ranma nodded, but I blinked, taken completely by surprise by  
this change. "No, I don't think-"  
  
The freak interrupted me. "Nonsense, you'll do fine. Plus,  
anybody with a name like that, has got to be worthy of the Anything-Goes  
School!"  
  
"Yeah, why don't you get your name changed to a something like  
that, Ranma?" Akane offered with a smirk.  
  
"Well, why don't you?" Ranma retorted. "Oh, wait. I forgot you  
aren't really the feminine type, so you wouldn't know any female  
undergarment names..."  
  
"Rrrrraaannnmmmaaa!"  
  
I could only stare as my only hope for dealing with Happosai  
fled out of the yard, pursued by his fiancee. Soun had buried himself in  
his morning paper, Nabiki and Kasumi had left, and I noticed a giant  
panda sneaking away outside.  
  
"Okay, ready to go out on your first training trip, Bra?"  
  
"Um, not really," I said, trying to back away, my hands rapidly  
learning how to do that warding gesture. "Thanks for the offer, but I'm  
not really the fighting type! Really!"  
  
"Aw, come on! It'll be fun!"  
  
Before I could protest further, the old freak had grabbed my  
hand and took off, pulling me along as he leapt over the wall and onto  
the rooftops. All I could do was flop in the wind behind him, and  
whimper...  
  
  
  
  
I collapsed in a heap on the ground, beaten, bruised, and  
lacking much blood. The past five hours had been a blur of lingerie  
shops, bathouses, female locker rooms, and a Monestary full of Nuns.  
  
I knew I was going to hell for that last one.  
  
"Not bad for a first timer," my beloved sensei complimented as  
he began to catalogue our goods. "You've got a real natural talent for  
this!"  
  
Out of all the compliments in the world, that one was ranked  
real low on the list of ones I wanted to receive.  
  
"In fact, I think you deserve a reward! Something that will make  
this a little easier for you, and will allow us to get closer as master  
and student!"  
  
I tried to pull myself up, and failed miserably. I knew I  
shouldn't have read that How-Not-To book by Kenchuro Tojo.  
  
"I was saving this for Ranma, in case the unthinkable happened  
and I lost my beloved Ranma-chan, but I suppose I could spare some for  
you."  
  
My eyes widened as I figured out the meaning behind that. He  
couldn't... He wouldn't... I strained all my muscles in a futile attempt  
to rise and escape, but only got half-way up before I was drenched.  
  
On one hand, my injuries now felt less severe (possibly because  
I was now lacking a particularly sensitive and beat organ). On the  
other, my unwanted sensei was now buried between my breasts.  
  
"Hotcha! What a rack!"  
  
For several seconds, I was in denial. I was a guy! This wasn't  
supposed to happen to Self-Insert Authors! Where had I gone wrong!?  
  
Anger passed relatively quickly when I realized who had done  
this to me, and that it would help me not.  
  
Bargaining was the next step, and boy would I pay any price to  
get out of this predicament!  
  
Somewhere, a female manga author snickered.  
  
What was the next step? Oh yeah, depression. I remembered Ryoga  
and almost felt like I could pull off a Shishi-Hokodan, but somehow  
floundered into the last step before that could happen: Acceptance.  
  
I was a girl. "Eaaauuugghh!" I think that's when that hidden,  
instinctual, scream and bash reflex that's buried deep within all  
females, came to the fore in me.  
  
*WHAM!* I stared in shock at my fist that had planted Happosai,  
one of the best martial artists in this universe, into the ground.  
  
Wait a minute... I beat Happosai? Temporarily forgetting my  
injuries and my new gender, I began to dance around in glee.  
  
"I did it! I beat Happosai! Ha ha!" Then I froze, as I suddenly  
realized that it never worked like that for Ranma. Slowly, I turned  
around to see him sitting and watching me, smoking on his pipe. I  
gulped. "You're, uh, not mad, are you?"  
  
"Of course not, Bra," he replied in an amused voice. "Happens  
all the time. But did you feel the rush of power, speed, and strength  
with that strike? One so powerful even I couldn't stop it?"  
  
I blinked, as I realized it was true.  
  
I think that was what started my slow slide into corruption.  
  
"Well, time for your next set of lessons, let's go!"  
  
  
  
  
Six more hours of the master's intense training brought me back  
to the Tendo house late that night. Like before, it was a blur. I  
couldn't remember too many details (actually, I had seen enough  
`details' to last a lifetime), so I think my conscious mind was blocking  
it out, burying it within my subconscious.  
  
I remember one of my old high school science teachers telling  
me the brain does that to deal with traumatic events.  
  
"Did you have a nice day, Baluddo-kun?" Kasumi asked me as the  
master deposited me in the living room and left to deal with those silky  
darlings in his room.  
  
"Yeah... lot of fun..." I replied in a tired voice. I don't know  
whether it was because I was female for the second half of the training,  
or that I'd gotten used to it, but I was considerably less injured this  
time around.  
  
Then she noticed my condition. "Ara, maybe I should call you,  
Baluddo-chan?"  
  
I whimpered again. I was getting good at that. "Look, could you  
just direct me to my room? If it's all the same to you, I think I'd like  
to get some sleep." At least I had a nice female voice. I prided myself  
on my good singing voice when I was a guy, and I hoped I'd at least be  
able to continue that.  
  
Even if I did go from Tenor to Soprano.  
  
Kasumi, bless her perfect little heart, did as I asked and I  
was soon out cold on a futon.  
  
  
  
  
The next few days were like that. I hardly had any time to get  
to know anyone, as the master came and trained me for most of the day,  
stopping only for meals and rest. Fortunately, The Tendos were  
sympathetic to my ordeals and my new curse, which was permanent. I  
wondered how I was going to deal with this when I went home, but at  
least I lived alone there.  
  
On the fourth day, Happosai said he'd give me a day off because  
I had done so well, then he departed for parts unknown, with the  
reminder that he'd be back.  
  
I shuddered, then collapsed on the veranda to relax, trying to  
remember what I was supposed to be doing here. After a few minutes, it  
hit me: I was supposed to be solving people's problems and hooking  
myself up with one of the females from the Ranma cast! Now let's see,  
who should I go for? Shampoo? Ukyo? Akane?  
  
"So, how's the trainin' comin'?" Ranma asked as he sat down  
beside me, derailing my train of thought. We were both male today.  
  
"I really don't wanna talk about it," I told him, starting to  
feel uncomfortable. I remembered the challenge that I was supposed to  
defeat Ranma, but frankly didn't see how that was supposed to happen. I  
had hoped everyone had forgotten about it.  
  
But Ranma pressed the issue. "Oh come on, the freak must've  
taught you some good moves by now! I've always wanted to learn how he  
does some of his stuff, but didn't want to go through that farce he  
calls training."  
  
"Actually, I don't remember too much," I said truthfully. "I  
think it's better that way." Much better...  
  
"Well, how about a friendly little match, then?" he offered.  
"The freak said you were supposed to be able to beat me, but we both  
know that ain't gonna happen."  
  
"Uh, I'm not really a fighter," I replied, a little nervously.  
"And he didn't teach me much of anything." I'd hoped he'd drop the  
subject, but it only made him more eager.  
  
"I'll go easy on ya," Ranma said, slapping me on the back. "Just  
for fun!"  
  
I grumbled. I knew then, that I wouldn't be able to get rid of  
him, due to the Takahashi stubborness with which Ranma was gifted. "Oh,  
alright. But don't blame me when you see I can't do anything."  
  
  
  
  
I looked in disbelief as Ranma landed upside down against the  
dojo wall. Had I done that? He had come at me, fists flying, but somehow  
I had dodged them all until my hand struck out on it's own and flipped  
him into the wall.  
  
"How'd you do that?" he demaned to know as he stood up,  
frowning.  
  
"I... I don't know!"  
  
I expected him to be upset, but he grinned instead. "Guess I  
have to step it up a notch!"  
  
He came at me again, faster than before, yet somehow I mangaed  
to dance around all his attacks.  
  
"Come on, fight back!" he yelled at me. I personally didn't see  
how I could, until I sent him flying again.  
  
"Are you reading my moves or something?" he demanded to know as  
he stood up. I frantically shook my head, still wondering the hell  
happened. Was there something to the old man's training after all?  
  
A feminine chuckle echoed from the doorway. "Now you know  
what's it like, Ranma."  
  
Ranma ignored Akane and focused on me. "Alright, no more  
holding back!"  
  
I gulped. I thought I had little chance against when he went  
easy. I knew how good he could be when he went all out, as I rememberd  
the Herb and Saffron stories.  
  
When he attacked this time, it was at a blindingly fast speed  
that I could barely follow, yet somehow I still managed to dodge most  
everything he threw at me! The few hits that did get through my amazing  
defense did hurt, but not as bad as I thought.  
  
Suddenly, my hands, which had been turning aside Ranma's  
attacks, flew into action and struck Ranma repeatedly, plastering him  
into the ground.  
  
"Well, looks like he beat you, boy," Genma intoned. "I'm  
disappointed. After everything I taught you, you lost to someone who  
couldn't even fight a few days ago."  
  
Ranma sprung up from the crater I had put him in. "Shut up,  
pop, uh, I mean, Oyaji! He just got lucky!"  
  
"Hmmm, well he did beat you, Ranma-kun," Soun said solemnly.  
"And you know what this means."  
  
"Otosan?" Akane asked, suddenly sounding worried.  
  
I was still in standing near the crater where I had planted  
Ranma, dazed and stunned at what I had done. I was also feeling rather  
weak, and knew that if Ranma attacked me again, I'd probably lose for  
real.  
  
Soun grabbed my hand and slapped it together with Akane's.  
"Meet your new iinazuke!"  
  
"Nani!?" I yelled, snapping out of daze and wondering when I  
learned Japanese. A part of me suddenly felt a little stronger, though I  
wondered why that was.  
  
The Tendo patriarch nodded. "The whole reason for uniting our  
families was to mate the strongest fighters and produce a strong heir.  
And since the master obviously trained you in the Anything-Goes style,  
you are more worthy than Ranma."  
  
"Plus, if you defeat Ranma, you get Akane," Nabiki offered from  
the doorway. "It's just the way things work around here."  
  
Akane didn't seem to like it any more than I did, but  
grudgingly accepted. "Fine. Come on, Baluddo." She turned to pull me  
along, but my foot caught on the crater edge and I tripped and fell.  
Fortunately, Akane caught me.  
  
Unfortunately, she caught me in a hug.  
  
"Way to go, imouto-chan!" Nabiki cheered. "You sure don't waste  
any time!"  
  
"I'm sorry!" I sputtered, backing up. Yes, I felt much stronger  
now. Most curious. But why did Akane looked so shocked? And why was she  
staring at my hand? Come to think if it, why was everyone suddenly so  
quiet?  
  
Oh, I have a bra in my hand, how did that get there?  
  
Wait a minute... Bra?  
  
Oh, dear.  
  
"You PERVERT!"  
  
*POW!*  
  
Funny, I couldn't dodge THAT punch. I passed by Nabiki on the  
way out of the dojo, and her expression went from a grin to something  
more... interesting. That's when I looked at my other hand. Hmmm, it  
appears Nabiki likes polka-dots, too.  
  
*Splash!*  
  
As I bobbed to the surface, I heard Ranma talking. "I'll be  
back in two days for a rematch!"  
  
"That's the spirit, boy!" Genma commended. "You must regain both  
your honor and your fiancee!"  
  
"I don't care about her, I just wanna beat this guy!"  
  
"Well, I don't care about you, either!"  
  
Kasumi was kind enough to fish me out of the pond. Nabiki was  
there as well. She scared me. I cringed, awaiting the punishment.  
  
"You know, I'm not upset," the middle Tendo told me, smiling  
with much teeth. "But of course, I'll have to charge you for that grope.  
5000 yen. 10,000 if you want to keep the panties."  
  
That's when I realized I had forgotten something very important  
. "Uh, I don't have any yen on me..." I told her, sheepishly.  
  
Instead of getting upset, Nabiki merely eyed my soaking wet  
female form up and down. "No problem, we can work something out. Have  
you ever considered modeling?"  
  
Not since Jusenkyo, I was tempted to say. "Uhhh, I don't think-  
"  
  
"No problem, right this way!" I resigned myself to my fate,  
knowing Nabiki could make my life much, much worse if I refused. I used  
to think I was fairly intelligent, but I didn't want to go up against  
someone who could rent the Tokyo dome, and not pay a single yen for it.  
  
  
  
  
"Pleasure doing business with you," Nabiki hollard as she pushed  
me out of her room. "Let me know if you have any other needs! Ta-ta!"  
  
The photo shoot took up most of the rest of the day. It  
might've have been shorter, but I needed spending money, and extra poses  
and shots meant I ended up making some. It wasn't too bad, overall, and  
the bikini actually felt rather nice, though the thong was  
uncomfortable.  
  
I managed to mostly control myself for the rest of the day,  
though I ended up taking Nabiki's bra twice, Akane's pantyhose once, and  
Kasumi's garter once. Soun wasn't too pleased at that last one, and I  
spent the night bound and gagged in a room by myself.  
  
I was rapidly becoming a pro at Martial Arts Whimpering.  
  
  
  
---------------------------------  
  
Will I survive the rest of my visit to the Ranmaverse? What other  
trouble is store? What happens when I run into the other girls? Will I  
be able to hook up with one of them? Or will I end up with more female  
underwear than I know what to do with?  
  
Find out in: YASSI! Part 2 (No clever title!) 


End file.
